Death Note: My Note, the AD Williams Files
by A.D. Williams
Summary: This will be a collection of funny Death Note shorts. Seventh story up, "Wrong Home". Having bypassed England on the way back from Japan, Beyond, Mello, Matt and Near are in the U.S. now. CONCLUSIVE ENDING FOR LAMENTS OF A LAWLIET! All stories rated T.
1. No Rest for the Weary

Chello and hello! I've noticed that I keep writing a bunch of one-shot DN stories, so to counter the fact that my profile is soon going to be over-run by them, I've decided to just throw all of them in a single "story" so to speak. This will be comprised of stories about all of the Death Note characters, or all of the ones that I happen to randomly write about…which will probably be just about everyone! This first one is of my favorite two, Light and L. These stories are rated T for language for the most part. Alright, that's all I have to say! Read 'em, like 'em, love 'em, and review 'em!

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No Rest for the Weary

Light awoke to find that for some reason, he was in motion. As he opened his eyes blearily, he could see walls moving on either side of him. Occasionally, he would pass a door and as his mind became clearer, he noticed that though he recognized the general setting of where he was, he was quite a distance from where he should've been, back in his room. Well, his and L's room…ugh, he hated saying that.

Then he realized something else. His handcuffed wrist hurt like hell! Wrenching himself around, he soon discovered that though he was still in his pajamas, he'd been dragged, literally, from his bed. Light winced as he was pulled another few feet across the ground. Digging his feet into the carpet, he stood up to face his kidnapper…of sorts.

"L, what the hell are you doing?!" He yelled at the man, who had paused to rub his own hurting wrist.

"Oh, Light, you're awake. Good. I had already pulled you for seven floors but if I'd had to pull you for the next twelve, I don't think I'd have a wrist left to use."

Light stared at him in shock. "And what could you possibly need so badly at—" he checked his watch. "At two in the morning that you had to drag me around the headquarters for?"

"Mm, I wanted a snack while I worked. Watari's asleep and I have a craving for black forest cake and coffee."

Now Light was totally blown away. "L…it's _two in the morning. _Most people, like me, are trying to sleep at this hour, not ingesting things that are going to keep them up longer."

"Yes, I was aware that you were sleeping, but I was also aware of my growling stomach. You'd already been sleeping for the past four hours and I haven't eaten in the past six hours, so in all fairness, I believe I win out on this one." L turned around and continued his slouch down the hall.

Light ran in front of him to get in his way. "Wait, hold on a second. You believe that just because you waited to eat until after I had went to sleep that that justifiably means you can just drag me around whenever you have a midnight craving?"

L tipped his head sideways and rolled his eyes up in thought. "Mm, yes." He finally said.

Light let out a feral growl and swung his fist at him. Instead of trying to kick him, L only whipped back around and continued on his way. Light's fist hit the wall behind him. "Ouch, damnit!" he hissed. Reluctantly, and seething all the way, he followed L down to the main kitchen on the first floor. At least there he could get some ice for the hand he was now nurturing.

When they finally reached their destination, Light grabbed an ice tray out of the freezer and dumped half of it in a Ziploc bag. Gingerly, he held it up to his bruising knuckles while trying to wait as patiently as possible as the ever-so-picky L gathered his "snack" that looked more like a dessert buffet.

After what seemed like a lifetime, they were finally back in their room. Light curled up on his side on the bed while L pushed the limits of their chain to sit at a small table nearby. Sipping away at his coffee, he now happily scanned over some documents for one of his cases.

The hours slowly went by and amazingly, Light managed to drift back off to sleep. He woke up again though around five in the morning this time, but at least it was of his own accord. Glancing over to the table, he saw that L was still seated there. But his body wasn't moving…minus the slow, rhythmic rise and fall of his back as he breathed. L had fallen asleep.

For some reason, it was somewhat strange to see him sleep. Light was so used to seeing him in motion, whether it was stirring his tea or speaking to someone, that to see him so still seemed almost unnatural. It was calming to watch this detective that worked more over-time than anyone could imagine actually catching some Z's.

Light suddenly smirked. He'd see about that.

Getting up, he stretched his arms, yawning loudly. L stirred briefly, but then settled back down again, tucking his body in like a resting chicken.

Light shook his head. No, he wasn't having any of that. Not bothering to try and tip-toe, he loudly stomped over to the small room adjoined to the bedroom. Their bathroom. The chain wasn't long enough to let him fully enter, but that was no problem. Giving a hard yank on it, Light actually smiled as L was thrown to the floor.

The man was caught totally by surprise and thus landed on his face. Frowning at the carpet as though it were its fault, he then slowly lifted his head to see Light standing a few feet away, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"Is there some reason why you just did that?" L asked, letting his full annoyance be shown.

Light kept on smiling. "I have to go to the bathroom. The chain isn't long enough to stretch so I figured you wouldn't mind if I pulled you closer. I mean, isn't that how this works? We do whatever is needed to meet our personal goals?"

L sighed. "Alright, alright, an eye for an eye. Please hurry up though."

Light's smile turned fully wicked. "Oh, I don't know about that. I think I'm going to be awhile."

L could've sworn he noticed the boy's irises turn slightly red. This wasn't perfect student, Light Yagami anymore. This was a demon.

Dragging L closer still, Light went into the bathroom. Of course the door couldn't close, but Light did make an attempt to close it as much as possible. L settled down on the floor. Curling himself up the same way he would in a chair, his eyes soon slipped closed and he found himself drifting off again.

That is, until a very rude bodily noise made him snap his eyes open. _What the hell?! _

"Oh man, must've been that chili from the school's cafeteria earlier," he heard Light say from inside. He'd been forced to drag L with him to his college classes (very embarrassing) and when in the cafeteria, L would only get a cup of tea while Light actually ate real food.

"Wow, I really think I'm going to be here for a bit," Light called out, but L could hear the smirk in his voice still. Well, there was no way around this. He put his fingers in his ears to drown out Light's oh so lovely noises and tried to go back to sleep.

Not happening.

Light then proceeded to sing some god-awful song at the top of his lungs.

"Beans, beans, the magical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot. The more you toot, the better you feel, so let's have beans with every meal! Beans, beans, they're good for your heart! The more you eat, the more you fart! The more you fart, the better you feel, so let's have beans with every meal!" And thus the song went 'round and round.

"C'mon, sing it with me L!" the boy shouted joyfully after his fourth chorus, that sick laughter making L's stomach churn. _I'd rather kiss Misa than sing that damn song, _he mentally muttered, but said nothing out loud.

The sun was starting to break over the horizon when L finally heard the toilet flush. He looked up at the clock on the wall. Six-thirty. It had been over 24 hours since he'd gotten any sleep now. This was some bullshit!

Light stepped out of the bathroom, still smiling like he was some self-proclaimed king of something. "Ah, feels like I've dropped twenty pounds! I just might have to go do some more clothes shopping now!" He gave L a very pointed look that said "And you'd have to come with me."

L gulped at the horror of that idea, then stood to make his way to the bed. Sitting on the floor for an hour and a half had killed his back and though rarely did he sleep in the bed, he'd make an exception this time. He crawled in under the covers, welcoming their softness and warmth. Then he felt the bed dent. Light was crawling in beside him. Fine, whatever. They'd shared the bed before. Right now, L was too tired to care. He also let go of the fact that Light was nearly breathing down his neck with his closeness. Praying to a heaven above, he hoped he could finally get a bit of rest.

And just when he thought his prayers would be answered, a hand touched him. His eyes snapped back open. Light had taken it upon himself to twirl a strand of his hair.

Eyes staring wide open, L slowly turned his head around to face him. And thus met up with that damn grin again, way too close for comfort.

"Hello," Light said pleasantly, feigning innocence.

If L had the energy, he would've been kicked his ass. "I don't like to be touched," he said instead.

Light gave him a cheesy smile. "Oh, sorry about that. It's just that your hair always looks so dry that I had to feel it for myself to believe it. I was right, you could do with some hair care."

L narrowed his eyes at him in annoyance. "I believe that is my problem, not yours. Do not touch me again."

Light smiled in a classic anime way, so good natured. Then he turned himself around to where his back was facing L.

_Finally…some sleep…_L could only think. His eyes slipped closed again…

Somewhere in his subconscious, he noted fabric moving. He felt someone's breath on his face, but since it didn't smell bad and was warm, he let it go. What he couldn't ignore was the sharp pain in his left eyebrow.

Like a raging bull, he sat up and glared at Light…who only gave him that same fake smile again.

"Oh, did that hurt?" he said in a _very _concerned tone. If his voice got any sweeter, Light himself would give him diabetes.

"Did you just pluck my eyebrows?!" L yelled. His composure was gone.

"Um, yeah…there was one hair that was kind of straying from the others. Figured I'd be a friend and take care of it for you."

Somewhere in the back of his throat, L gave a weird growl. "Didn't I _just _say, don't touch me?" His head was bowed, shadowing his eyes.

Light dismissed the intimidating posture. "Yeah, but if I were in your situation, I'd want you to pluck that hair too. It was so…unsightly!"

L slowly raised his head up. His eyes were bloodshot. The shadows under his eyes were spreading to include the entire eye and his cheeks looked sunken. "So, that _one hair _was so unsightly, huh? You had to wake me back up after I've gone over twenty-four hours without sleep just for _that_?"

Light gave a nonchalant shrug. "Like it's my fault that you haven't been getting any sleep."

It was that same smirk and red-tinted eyes that made L snap.

If he had only growled before, this time he gave a thunderous roar. Hands raised like an attacking tiger, he launched himself at Light, throwing all of his weight on him. Sitting on his chest, he gave a strange and eerie laugh. "You want to pluck hairs? How about I pluck all of yours!"

He fisted the brown strands beneath him, pulling violently. His own eyes now seemed to have become a deep red shade. For some reason, one of his successors-gone-murderer came to mind but he let the thought go.

Light grabbed his wrists and tried to wrangle the hands from his hair. _I guess I really pissed him off, huh? Heh, good! _The continuing smile on his face kept L's blood raging as he attacked.

Suddenly from across the room, they heard the bedroom door open. Both froze and turned around to see a very shocked Watari. No longer did his fuzzy eyebrows cover his eyes, but you could now see his pupils very clearly as he stared in surprise.

L's mind quickly got to work thinking of what he could be seeing to make him act that way. He looked down at himself. His hair was wild; he knew his eyes looked manic and crazed. He was sitting on Light's chest. No, more like his waist…hips straddling him. With his hands fisted in the boy's hair. And Light looked just as disheveled…oh gods.

"Watari, it's not what it looks like!" L shouted out.

The old man threw him a side glance. "Um, I'll just leave you two to it…" he muttered and closed the door on them again.

L continued to stare at the closed door in horror. Until an all-too-familiar evil laughter filled his ears.

"You know, we could actually confirm his suspicions," Light said with his new trademark smirk.

L only rolled his eyes and bopped him on the head with one of the pillows.

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Ah, a hint of yaoi, lol! But this is rated just T and I kinda sucked at my one attempt at a yaoi story. I think I'll leave that stuff to the pros and keep to my comedy! Okay, I'd really appreciate a review please! Thanks!


	2. Twelve Days of Mello

Alright, I know it's far from Christmas currently, nor was I really in a Christmas spirit when I wrote this. But the idea hit me and thus this is the finished work. The idea to turn this story into a half story/half song project hit me about halfway through, so that's why the "lyrics" don't start for awhile. I don't think this is going to be Mello's official story for my "files" but it's something to hold you off for awhile until I get there. Enjoy!

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Twelve Days of Mello**

_It was the night before Christmas and all through Wammy's House_

_Not a creature was stirring not even—_

"Damnit, Near! For the last time, I'm not buying _anything_ for _anyone_ for Christmas! Get off my back already!"

"Mello, it's the season for giving. Be charitable for once."

"Pssht, charitable my ass," the blonde huffed, storming away from the orphanage's playroom where he had thought he could enjoy some time alone, since he shared a room with another child, Matt specifically. He should've known Near would be there.

Okay, so it wasn't really night time, but the poem was fitting nonetheless. It really was, however, Christmas Eve and all the other children in the orphanage were psyched about the next day. Besides the gifts that Watari himself gave out (Roger hated kids, he'd be damned if he spent a penny on a child that wasn't his!), the children could buy gifts for each other with the trust funds that had been set up for them (which could be accessed with permission if you were thirteen or younger. Those older than thirteen had free reign of their account.). Also, there were the random gifts from people on the outside.

For awhile, Mello had received gifts from an anonymous family that had hopes of adopting him. Yes, adoptions did occur at Wammy's House; what parent wouldn't want a super-smart kid? But what this family didn't know was that Mello was a wild-child that could not be tamed…

The family finally showed themselves a week and a half before Christmas, fives years back. They came with bright smiles, overly-cheerful laughter and…chocolate. They'd been observing Mello (not that he hadn't noticed the constant eyes on him), but he hadn't known that they had picked up on his love for the sweets. The chocolates were their trump card, true…but it was also the start of their living hell after only experimentally adopting him. Everything that could've gone wrong did. And here's why…

~.~.~

On the first day of Christmas, it was a sight to see: A yard full of ripped up shrubbery.

On the second day of Christmas, it was a sight to see: Two broken windows and a yard full of ripped up shrubbery.

On the third day of Christmas, it was a sight to see: Three beat-up neighbor kids, two broken windows and a yard full of ripped up shrubbery.

On the fourth day of Christmas, it was a sight to see: Four flat car tires, three beat-up neighbor kids, two broken windows and a yard full of ripped up shrubbery.

On the fifth day of Christmas, it was a sight to see: Mello's five-finger discount "shopping" spree! (stealing). Four flat car tires, three beat-up neighbor kids, two broken windows and a yard full of ripped up shrubbery.

On the sixth day of Christmas, it was a sight to see: Six multi-colored house walls, Mello's five-finger discount shopping spree! Four flat car tires, three beat-up neighbor kids, two broken windows and a yard full of ripped up shrubbery.

On the seventh day of Christmas, it was a sight to see: Seven smashed lamps, six multi-colored house walls, Mello's five-fingered discount shopping spree! Four flat car tires, three beat-up neighbor kids, two broken windows and a yard full of ripped up shrubbery.

On the eighth day of Christmas, it was a sight to see: Eight shredded pillows, seven smashed lamps, six multi-colored house walls, Mello's five-finger discount shopping spree! Four flat car tires, three beat-up neighbor kids, two broken windows and a yard full of ripped up shrubbery.

On the ninth day of Christmas, it was a sight to see: Nine limping puppies, eight shredded pillows, seven smashed lamps, six multi-colored house walls, Mello's five-finger discount shopping spree! Four flat car tires, three beat-up neighbor kids, two broken windows and a yard full of ripped up shrubbery.

On the tenth day of Christmas, it was a sight to see: Ten maxed-out cards, nine limping puppies, eight shredded pillows, seven smashed lamps, six multi-colored house walls, Mello's five-finger discount shopping spree! Four flat car tires, three beat-up neighbor kids, two broken windows, and a yard full of ripped up shrubbery.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, it was a sight to see: Eleven paint-balled houses, ten maxed out cards, nine limping puppies, eight shredded pillows, seven smashed lamps, six multi-colored house walls, Mello's five-finger discount shopping spree! Four flat car tires, three beat-up neighbor kids, two broken windows and a yard full of ripped up shrubbery.

On the twelfth day of Christmas (Christmas day), it was a sight to see: The Naked Dance in front of company! Eleven paint-balled houses, ten maxed-out cards, nine limping puppies, eight shredded pillows, seven smashed lamps, six multi-colored house walls, Mello's five-finger discount shopping spree! Four flat car tires, three beat-up neighbor kids, two broken windows…and a yard full of ripped up shrubbery!

~.~.~

Needless to say, the family quickly returned Mello to Wammy's House. And Watari made sure never to put the boy's picture on the "Need a Home" bulletin board in the orphanage's entrance hallway again.

And each year, Mello vowed never to get anything for anyone for Christmas…but then he'd catch word from Matt that Near had gotten him something cool…and of course he couldn't be out-done by Near! So, in the end, he'd end up buying some expensive toys for Near and an expensive, brand new game or game system for Matt…Yes, those two liked milking every cent out of him! But they would always return the favor, helping to keep their competition against one another balanced.

Of course, after all was said and done, Near got the best gift of all…succeeding L. Fine, whatever. Mello constantly told himself that he didn't care. He was and would always be a better dresser than Near, way cooler, and way sexier…so, it all worked out. Or so he kept telling himself…

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Okay, probably not as funny as that last story, but like I had mentioned, this was a small idea in my head that I decided to write. Okay, now I think I'm going to ask for you, the readers and reviewers suggestion. What character story shall I write next? And it cannot be Light or L…sorry, I've given you that already. I might do another, but not at this time. The character can be anyone, from either the show or the book (yes, I've read the DN book…which is why I've titled this drabble collection as I have!). If no suggestions are made, I'll randomly pick the next person…also, ideas for that character's story are welcome too. I'll throw my own twists in, of course, but think of it as a chapter dedicated to you (I give credit where credit is due). Now, with all of that said, please review folks! Throw me the most random ideas that you have! ^_^


	3. Naomi Misora in: The Confectionary Case

Alright, last time I asked for a reviewers input on a chapter, they told me they wanted a Naomi Misora story. So, Ms. ActionFry, this is for you! But I might want to warn everyone…she and everyone here is a bit OOC. Sorry, it's how I do my comedy. Also, though I wanted this to be a one-shot…it turned into something more. I'm going to keep it here for now, but there's probably going to be about two more chapters to this. I don't want to hear any complaints, people! I gave you the chance to pick a character you wanted a story for…lol, please don't think I'm actually angry! Anywho, enough of this. Read it, like it, love it, and Ms. ActionFry? I hope you enjoy it. ^_^

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Naomi Misora in:

**The Confectionary Case part I**

It had been a long day of work for Naomi Misora. She and the other FBI agents had finally wrapped up a case pertaining to a string of burglaries in the downtown Los Angeles area. The group had partied a bit to celebrate their success, and now, feeling a bit woozy from the wine, she was ready for a hot shower and a long night of sleep.

That wouldn't be happening.

As she was passing by her computer, she was shocked to see it flick on. The screen flashed white and then a large, Cloister Black "L" appeared on the screen.

"Good evening, Naomi Misora." Someone said, the voice coming through the laptop speakers.

Naomi froze. Who the hell was this?! How did they know her? Further more, how did they get access to her computer?

"Who-who are you?"

"Um, gee…I thought that the big letter L on the screen would be a good enough clue," The person said sarcastically.

"I don't understand," Naomi said with wide, frightened eyes.

The person sighed, then said, "Okay, maybe this will help." The normal, human voice was switched out for a synthetic one, generated by a voice modifier. "How's this? Ring a bell?"

Naomi gasped in surprise. "You're…you're professor Hawkins!"

The computer gave an audible groan of disgust. "Gods, you're frickin' dense! I'm L! The great detective L? You know, solves over a hundred cases a year? Numero uno? What rock have you been hiding under?"

Naomi sniffed disdainfully and turned halfway away from the computer, as though the other person could see the gesture. "I don't see why you have to go and insult my intelligence." She said coolly. Then she looked back at the screen. "Alright, so our introductions have been cleared, would you like to explain to me why you hacked my computer?"

"Oh, yeah, sorry about that. But I figured we should do this in the privacy of your home rather than in public or on a phone. Besides, that Cloister Black L just looks so awesome against this white background. I mean, I couldn't have chosen a better font for my name!"

Now it was Naomi's turn to groan.

"But let's move on," The voice, or rather L, continued. "I need your assistance on a case that I'm looking into. I'm sure you've heard of a store called Candy HQ, correct? They're often found in malls. Lately, many of them have been broken into around your area and I need someone there to look into it for me. I would myself, but I have better things to do with my time."

Naomi glared at the screen, wishing L himself was there to see it. "Oh, and like I don't?"

"You're off for the next two days. You should be able to solve it in that time. Oh, wait, I forgot. You're not me." The man chuckled.

"And what if I were to say no to helping you?" Misora said. The man couldn't make her do anything she didn't want to do.

"Then that would be a shame, seeing as you're going to have to destroy this computer once we finish talking. You might as well not let it all be in vain."

Naomi chocked on her own saliva and began coughing. "What?! Destroy my computer?!"

"You're repeating me, Ms. Misora," L chastised in a sing-song voice.

Finally the woman caught her breath and yelled, "Why the hell do I have to destroy my computer? You can hack into the damn thing, but you can't cover your tracks?"

"It's just a precautionary measure," L said calmly. A soft, sawing sound like a nail filer could be heard in the background.

"Well, has it ever crossed your mind that I might have important data on that computer? That it might mean something to me?"

L gave an exasperated sigh. "It's a computer! It's not like its some living organism. What could you possibly cherish about this one that you couldn't get with another one?

Naomi was silent for a moment, then said very quietly, "My mp3 downloads."

The entire room fell silent.

In a forced, calm voice, L finally said, "I'm not even going to dignify that with a response."

"Hey, I have over five-hundred files! Do you know how long it would take to get them all back?!"

"Ms. Misora, are you paying for these downloads?" L asked.

"Wha--? N-no…there's this program I know that lets you file share and you can get them for free."

"File sharing is illegal, Ms. Misora," L chastised again. The nail filer could still be heard in the background. "I thought you fought on the side of justice. You're not doing justice to the hard working music artists who strive to sell their CD's all for people like you to go rip them off the internet. I believe such actions are worth jail time…or at the very least, a heavy fine."

The nail filer stopped and the next words L spoke came in clearer than they had been, probably because he was now facing the microphone rather than staring at his newly filed nails. "But I'm willing to ignore all of this if you will help me. Do we have a deal?"

"Are you blackmailing me?" Naomi asked incredulously.

"Do we have a deal?" L asked again, ignoring her question.

The woman gave a deep sigh. "Fine. Makes no difference."

The cocky smile was evident in his voice. "Good. Now, here's what I want you to do…"

And thus L outlined his plan to her. Fifteen minutes later when he was done, Naomi's body was screaming for sleep, but her mind was whirling with a multitude of thoughts.

L broke through them, saying, "Alright. That is all. And don't forget to destroy this computer within twelve hours of the time I'm gone." And with that, the screen went blank.

Naomi yawned and stretched. Now she was truly beat. For a moment, she thought about starting to pull the mp3 files from the computer, but thought against it. Most of them were already on her mp3 player, and those were the most important ones. And besides, what was L going to do if she didn't destroy it? She'd already agreed to help him on this case, that should satisfy him enough.

Quickly, she showered and threw on some old pajamas. Despite the events of that past hour, sleep claimed her, pulling her into a dream where all the computers at the bureau were talking to her and saying something about needing blank DVD's for nutrition. She would later wake up and not remember any of it.

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Okay, very awkward considering how down-to-earth Naomi is, but I like having the serious ones be silly, lol! I hope everyone enjoyed this. And why, of all crimes, did I pick a candy store to be the center here? Well, it was once stated that L didn't take on cases unless they personally interested him…and I think this one did the trick! Anyways, please review!

Oh, and L? I file share too. Whatcha going to do about it? xD!


	4. Confectionary Case part 2

Okay, part two of the story. This is the last chapter as well. I decided to wrap things up here. To counter ending the story so soon, I made this chapter a long one. Hope everyone enjoys it!

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Confectionary Case part 2

Naomi Misora woke up due to the sound of something exploding in her house. Throwing the covers aside, she slipped the gun she always slept with under her pillow into her hand, then ran out into the living room.

There, on the small desk in the corner she used as a make-shift office, was a smoldering pile of electronic chips and hardware. As her eyes trailed over the wreckage, something in the kitchen caught her eye. One jagged half of a keyboard lay steaming on the counter.

In her awed silence, her cell phone rang. She walked slowly over to the coffee table where she had left it and looked at the display. There was no name or number.

"Hello?" she said after answering.

"Morning Naomi Misora," said the voice, this time not disguised with the voice modifier. Perhaps he trusted her?

But she'd worry about that later. "L! My laptop! It—"

"Exploded?" The man interrupted her. "Naomi, you didn't get rid of it as I told you to, did you?"

"Well, it's my laptop! Normal people don't just go around destroying perfectly good technology, especially when they don't have the money to get new gear."

"Hm. I happen to have twelve computers just in this current residence alone."

Naomi frowned. He seemed to make her do that a lot. "That's all nice and lovely for you, but now _I'm_ out of a laptop. Planning on sending me one?"

L laughed. "Heavens no! At any rate, that explosion woke you up. Now, the first mall I want you to check out is about twenty miles from your apartment, on West and 5th Avenue. It was the first to be robbed. I'm sure you can handle the rest. I'll give you a secure number to call me on after you investigate there."

_He just blows off the fact that he nearly set my entire apartment building on fire, like it's just nothing, _Naomi thought. It had been rumored that he could be arrogant and cocky. Those words didn't do justice to the attitude L was displaying toward her.

But what else could she do? She was already being blackmailed—by file sharing, of all things!—so she was in no position to refuse to help him. "Alright. I'll be there in half an hour."

"Happy to hear that," L said, not really sounding pleased, more as though he were saying it like it was an obligation. "Oh, and Naomi? Please get rid of that cell phone after I hang up." And just like that, the line went dead.

"Damnit, L!" Misora shouted, not caring who heard her. First she lost a computer, now she had to lose a cell phone too?! Was all of this truly necessary?! After this case, she'd swear to walk the line of justice so as to never be blackmailed again.

As she headed out of her apartment a moment later, she broke her cell phone in half and dropped the pieces off the balcony of her 21st floor apartment.

- - -

Roughly thirty minutes past the hour, she was at the mall L had spoken off. She was still young, but it had been years since she'd been to one. It just didn't seem right for an FBI agent to shop at the same places the teenagers brought their Abercrombie and Finch.

Naomi stopped to examine the map inside the entrance way. Candy HQ was on the second floor, to her left. She shuddered. It also didn't seem right for an FBI agent to go to candy stores, but who said candy was just for kids?

Heading up the escalators, she forced herself to stay calm as a pretty blonde teen rambled to her group of gaggling girlfriends about some kind of shoe she wanted to buy. Ah, to be young again. Naomi had hated her teen years, she was so smart and was always pointing out her deductions about things to her classmates to where they had started to avoid her. Fine. Who cared? It all paid off with her becoming an FBI agent…with a barely-there boyfriend…and computers and cell phones that had to be destroyed on a whim. Yes, she most definitely had gotten the better hand. Misora sighed. Life sucked.

She was so engrossed in her flashbacks that she nearly tripped and fell when the escalator reached the top of the floor. She hurried to catch herself lest she be embarrassed in front of a bunch of high schoolers. Calmly she started off in the direction she needed to go. Candy HQ was between a Foot Locker and a pet store. As she entered the candy store, she noticed a single kitten staring at her from behind a display glass. It was a pale white shade, except for a patch of black that reached from tip of its ears to the middle of its neck. There also seemed to be black rings around the eyes. And speaking of the eyes…they never blinked as they locked on Naomi. Dark orbs trailed her as she went in…watching her…

It must've been a Saturday or something, the woman thought to herself, looking at all the children inside. Along one wall was a long row of Jelly Belly jelly beans. Another wall had a few containers filled with large jawbreakers. The other two walls were filled with every other candy imaginable, making her think of the Honey Dukes store from Harry Potter. Another thing that earned her isolation in school.

She went up to the front counter and discreetly flashed her badge to the store clerk. "Naomi Misora, FBI. I hear this store was robbed not too long ago?"

"Ma'am, we've been filed our report," the man said. He was sitting down, reading a newspaper, totally oblivious to the fact that any child could be stealing from them at the moment.

"Yes, I know you did," Misora went on, slightly aggravated that he wasn't really paying attention to at least her. "But there have been several robberies in candy stores here lately. They all might be linked. Do you remember what the person looked like?"

The guy sighed and flipped a page. "Nope."

"Okay…did you catch anything on camera?"

"Nope."

"Did anyone else see anything?!"

"Nope."

"Do you know anything?!"

She was hoping he would say nope again.

Instead, he put down the paper. "Look, all I know is the guy supposedly slunk in, stole a few handfuls of candy, then left out. We were getting a new shipment in that day anyways. We filed a report, but we've let the issue go. And I'd be thankful if you did too." And with that, he flipped back up his paper, completely closing the conversation.

Naomi thought for only the briefest moment about wrangling his neck, but held back the urge. Then, another rage hit her. Turning on her heel, she stormed out the store again, not paying attention to the kitten still watching her.

She found a few pay phones tucked near the back of the mall and grabbed the farthest one from any possible ears. Pulling the piece of paper she had written L's information down on, she quickly dialed.

The phone rang once. Twice. Three times. Four times. Five times…

She waited. He said that he'd promptly pick up, what was this?

Twelve times…fifteen times…twenty times…

Finally, just as she was about to hang up, the phone was answered. "Yes?" said L's voice.

"Where the hell were you? I've been standing here waiting for you to answer for the past six minutes!"

"I think that is a stretch, but I'll let it go. And for your information, I have other cases to tend to. Yours is not the only one, in fact, it's not even the most important one. It's the _least _important thing on my agenda."

Naomi scowled at the phone booth. "You're the one who assigned me to it."

"So?"

Oh, she just wished he was there for her to beat the snot out of!

She took a few calming breaths so as to not rip the phone out. "Anyways, I checked out the store here. The guy said that he didn't see anything himself but said that a guy just walked in and stole a bunch of candy. L—"

"Ryuzaki, please. Just to be safe." He sounded like he was eating something. She could hear his lips smacking in the background.

"Fine. Ryuzaki. You said the stores had been robbed. I thought you meant for money. They were robbed for the candy?!"

"Mm, yes. Does it make a difference? Robbery is robbery."

"No, _L, _it isn't! There's a huge difference between a robbery and shoplifting! That's it. I want off this case. Now. I'm wasting precious time of my all too short break."

The line was quiet for a moment. Then: "Alright. But Misora, before you go, I'm going to have to ask you one thing…"

Oh no…what was it this time?

"Um, okay. What is it?"

"Destroy this phone when I hang up." _Click. _

"That mother-fu—Oooohhhhhh!!!" she seethed. That was it. She officially hated L. No ifs, ands, or buts about the matter. The guy could rot in hell for all she was concerned. This was the tip of the ice berg.

She simply hung up the phone and without giving it another glance, walked off. She was halfway down the escalator when she heard the explosion. A large piece of the device flew through the pet store display window, breaking it. The white and black kitten calmly stretched its lithe body, then hopped down and began walking away.

- - -

Back at home, Naomi kicked off her shoes and prepared to lounge the rest of the day away. She wasn't worried about L's blackmail; she'd pay the damn fine just so long as she didn't have to work under him anymore. Happily, she played with the new cell phone she had gotten. Already, she had updated it with all the old phone numbers and was currently playing a game on it.

Suddenly, it rang, playing the all too familiar song that everyone in Death Note has…you know, the first beginning theme song. Yeah, everyone in America had it too.

She looked at the display. No name, no number. No. Hell no! This couldn't be!

She jabbed the talk button so hard her thumb nearly bruised. "What?! What is it?! What do you want?! What, you want me to pay for the file sharing?! Fine! I'll do it! Oh, I one time stole a pack of gum when I was twelve, you wanna arrest me for that?! Huh?!! I'll take you on, damnit! I'm not afraid of you!!!"

"…N-Naomi?" said a very different male voice from what she had been expecting to hear.

"Oh. Raye. Hi."

"Um, if this is a bad time, I'll call back…" he sounded completely shaken. Poor guy.

"Uh, no, it's fine. I…I just had a stressful day, that's all." She knew better than to tell him about L. "Just some family issues, that's all. So, how are you?"

And just like that, she put the detective out of her mind. As she reclined back in her chair though, she looked over to the window to notice a small white and black kitten…the same dark eyes…still staring at her. But as soon as she blinked, the kitten was gone. She shrugged and decided to forget about it.

Epilogue: Misora slept peacefully that night. Upon waking up, she padded out to the kitchen for a cup of coffee, but didn't quite make it that far. Sitting on her coffee table was a brand new laptop and a much cooler cell phone than what she had bought. On top of the computer was a small envelope, a check for a very large sum made out to her. Okay, she had to give props; this was all very nice and lovely. But the guy could still be a douche! He had another thing coming if he thought she could be won over with a few advanced pieces of technology…was this phone part of the iPhone series?! Never mind that! Peace restored!

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Alright, forgive my abrupt ending but if I made this any longer, I'd have to find another place to put it since these files are supposed to be one-shots, lol! Okay, now do the dew and drop a review! L will give the first person to do so his knotted cherry stems…second place gets his strawberry from his cheesecake, and third…well, just review, dang it! ^_^ And suggestions for the next story are still open!


	5. The Massacre of Matsuda

Alright, so I finally got down to writing a story for Matsuda! I fumbled a bit with what plot I wanted for him and in the end, I kind of chose something a bit dark. I know this is all supposed to be a comedy, but let's just say that this one is a dark comedy…if such a thing exists. Anywho, I still hope you like it. Enjoy! ^_^

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The Massacre of Matsuda

Matsuda had always been a bubbly person. He loved conversing with others, hated monotony, and lived for life's thrills.

So the day he came home to his small apartment after having spent so much time at the taskforce headquarters all to find his girlfriend in bed with another guy was perhaps the sourest day in Matsuda's life.

"Oh. You're home early," she said to him.

"What…what the hell is this?!" Matsuda whispered.

Suddenly, the woman became indignant. "Well, you're never here! What am I supposed to do, just sit around and wait for you to come back? Yeah, and when the hell is that going to be? It's like you forgot that you have a girlfriend! And when you are here, all you ever talk about is Kira, Kira, Kira, I'm so sick of damn Kira! And…"

She continued to rant, all the while gathering her clothes. Not just the ones discarded on the floor, but all of them. The man she had been in bed with got up and stretched, not even trying to be modest about it. Oh yeah, did I mention it was Matsuda's brother?

"Hey lil bro, you sure know how to pick 'em," the man chuckled, throwing a arrogant smirk at the woman as she continued to rant and pack. Then he turned back to Matsuda and wagged his eyebrows. "What a spitfire!"

Everything else for the next fifteen minutes was a blur. His brother left, his girlfriend going with him. The room was a mess and still held the scent of the betrayal that had taken place. The moment just seemed…surreal.

He couldn't take being there any more. Grabbing his jacket and keys, he left out again. His numbness made him drive aimlessly in the night, breaking the speed limit by more than twenty miles per hour. He wasn't sure how he found the place, but eventually he allowed himself to slip back into reality to notice that he was in front of a bar. What better place to get rid of your troubles?

He dragged himself through the door, laden down with his burdens. There was a spot open at the front of the bar, so he threw himself down in the chair.

"What'll it be for ya?" The bartender asked.

"The strongest thing you have."

"Wow, must've been one hellova night."

"You don't know the half of it."

The man chuckled, but turned around to grab a glass, filling it with ice cubes and a dark brown liquid. He slid it down to Matsuda, who deftly caught it in his hand. Not taking the time to even figure out what it was, he tipped his head back and downed it, slamming it on the counter when he was finished.

"Hit me again." He said.

The bartender poured him another. It was gone in three seconds flat.

"Again."

The glass was dutifully refilled. As though a machine, Matsuda's arm came up to his mouth, his body accepting the drink without question.

"Again," he muttered.

Five minutes later and he'd consumed about ten of the glasses. The room was spinning and the voices blurred together, but this was just what he needed. The drunken haze allowed him to be numb, if only for a short while.

Vaguely, he noticed someone else sit beside him. He glanced over, then did a double take.

"Ide?!"

"Aw, damnit Matsuda! I get enough of you at work, how the hell did you even find this place?"

Matsuda was about to answer, but instead hiccupped.

"Oh great, and you're drunk," Ide said irritably. "Look, I don't care what your reason is, I'm not going to put up with your antics tonight, got it?"

Matsuda chuckled for a moment, a hollow sound. But it soon stopped and he leveled Ide with dead eyes. "No, you don't need to worry about that tonight. In fact, never."

"Well that's a relief," the other man muttered. He glanced over to the young detective again, curiosity getting the better of him. "Alright, I'll admit it. Just why the hell _are _you here anyways?"

"Ah, yes, that's quite the question," Matsuda slurred. "Hm, let's see…my girlfriend's a cheating whore, my big brother is an asshole and also a whore, with the police giving in to Kira's demands, I'm basically jobless, and I can't even get a lousy autograph from Misa-Misa, despite the fact that I'm her manager. So, with all of that, I believe a drink or two is in demand."

For a fraction of a second, Ide's eyes widened in surprise, softened in sympathizing emotion, but was all quickly washed away with his distant coldness. "I'm going to guess that it's really the first two that brought you here. Well, try this out for size. My family were wannabe Yakuza. Out of all of them, I was the only one willing to fight on the side of justice. When I was about your age, I finally grew some balls and threw them all behind bars. They weren't tied to the Yakuza, so I don't worry about them coming after me, but let's just say that what family I have left, the holiday's are pretty stinted."

He flicked his eyes warily at Matsuda. "Still, I wouldn't change what I did for the world. If losing your girlfriend was the price you paid for standing up to Kira, then so be it. But…destroying yourself isn't the way to get rid of your issues."

Matsuda blinked. Wait, there's no way Ide was trying to be comforting. He said all of this with a hard tone, as though indicating something else.

"So, what else can I do?" the younger man asked, taking another sip of his drink. He'd now lost count of what number he was on.

"Anything but this. This is pathetic," Ide said, looking critically at him.

"Oh. I see." And suddenly, the idea hit him. No, drinking wasn't the answer. But maybe…

"You know, you'd make a great therapist, Ide!" Matsuda said in a drunken euphoria. "Here ya go, doctor Ide!" He threw a few bills on the counter for the bartender, and a few more closer to the cold detective. He stood up, wobbling dangerously on his legs, but holding his own. Waving a lazy hand over his shoulder in good-bye, he left out.

Ide briefly wondered if he should run after him to get his car keys, but noticed that the man had instead forgotten them in his spot. He put them in his pocket, figuring that tomorrow after the hangover wore off, he'd be in a better state to drive.

Matsuda stumbled down the dark streets, ignoring anyone who might've happened to be out at the late hour. Once again, he wandered aimlessly, but somehow, he subconsciously knew where he was heading. He came to a halt outside a nice suburban home.

Two vehicles were in the driveway. A beautiful black Mercedes and a smaller, simple red Toyota. The license plate on the Mercedes read "#1 lvr" while the one for the Toyota said "Angel" with a halo around the L. Cute cars. The red and black complemented each other. As though they were meant to be together.

What fucked up Cupid had come up with that idea?!

In his hands, Matsuda raised a metal pole he'd acquired when he'd passed a construction site. Picking it up had been another subconscious thing because at the time, he'd had no idea for what reason he could possibly need it. His mind was acting on its own, his body the puppet to its orders.

Lifting the pole high above his head, he brought it down swiftly on the windshield of the black vehicle. The resulting crack rang out throughout the neighborhood, but it didn't fully shatter. He swung again and was rewarded with a million shards of glass littering the front seats.

Getting somewhat playful, he stepped back so as to have a better angle of the side windows. "And it's Matsuda up for bat. Look at his cool posture, how calmly he holds the bat. This one's gonna be a home-runner, folks." He smirked, then pulled back and with all his might, broke out the driver's window. "And look at it go!" He whispered to himself. The tinkling of glass on the concrete was like the sound of music.

He proceeded to destroy the car, using a pocket knife to rip up the interior as well. Then, he turned to the Toyota. The car was only a year old and in nice condition. The owner had been careful never to damage it. So much for that now.

Matsuda didn't hold back on this one. Every window became fair game, the tires were slashed, the tail lights nonexistent. He did wonder for a brief moment of why no one had noticed any of this, but the house was situated far back from the main road, trees shading the long driveway. And as for the occupants of the house, he was almost certain that they were attending to some unfinished business. Good, at least he wasn't the only one working here.

_Maybe this is what that Carrie Underwood song was talking about, _Matsuda thought, ripping out the CD player in the front. _Heh, it is kinda gratifying…_

He saved the most important thing for last. Using the pocket knife again, he scratched his name onto the hood of both cars, on the sides and into the upholstery of both vehicles. Who gave a damn about the resulting lawsuit? For now, he'd enjoy his handiwork.

He snatched off the license plates and stabbed them until their phrases were unrecognizable, then crudely threw them on the front doorstep of the house.

As he walked away, he couldn't help the smirk pulling at his mouth. He would kill to see the look on the people's faces when they awoke in the morning. He could only imagine…

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Heh-heh…Matsuda lost it! Well, please review! Comments of course are always appreciated.


	6. Obsessed

Chay, I finally got around to doing my Matt story! I know that I haven't been big on taking requests and forgive me for that. As some of you might know, there's another story that seems to be dominating all my time. But then again, this particular story is updated whenever a character idea hits, so the 'chapters' are written at various time lengths. Anywho, I hope you like this! Enjoy!

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Obsessed**

A piece of Matt told him to say no, but another part told him to say yes. But how could he refuse his friend when they'd stuck together through thick and thin? And…Mello had pulled a very nice trump card on him…

_Flashback _

"C'mon, you'll love Japan! I mean, personally speaking, I think it's way more interesting than Winchester." Mello pleaded with his friend for the millionth time. "And going there won't be any fun without you."

Matt paused his gaming for a second to give him a sardonic stare. "Right. Cause we all know you're _all _about fun."

Mello grunted. "Fine, so maybe that was a stretch. Still…I have another reason why you'll love going. Tell me something, where did all those games you love playing come from?"

Matt continued pressing the buttons as he spoke. "More than likely Japan. But evidently I can get them anywhere since I have them now without having ever went there."

The blonde started smirking. "True…true. But, we've taken Japanese studies and actually know quite a bit of the language and writing. There are some games that have never been released to the rest of the world simply because of that. Further more, you know Japan keeps all the cool and gory stuff for themselves."

Oh no. Mello had done it. Matt envisioned himself surrounded by a flood of video games, every game imaginable, every console created. It was a gamers' dream come true. And he could get it. If he went to Japan.

He sighed. "Alright. But I'm not sure I want to know the real reason behind you dragging me along."

"Oh, don't worry. I won't ask you to do anything that I wouldn't do."

Matt had grumbled something about 'Then why do you still need me to go?' but the argument was over. The next day, he packed his few belongings from the flat he and Mello had been sharing in Winchester and headed to Japan with him.

_End Flashback_

And so, they had moved and had been living in the Tokyo area for over a month now. Mello had spent his time constantly going in and out of the apartment, as though staying put was just too much to ask for.

But Matt honestly didn't care. The guy had been right about the country being a video game lover's paradise and he had immediately gotten to work on stocking his inventory. What wasn't out in stores was in the arcades and that's just where he was headed now.

Upon entering the store, he noticed that nearly every spot was filled and games such as Dance Dance Revolution had attracted crowds of attention. But ah! The newest Tekken game had been left and forgotten all for…Mortal Kombat?! Pathetic.

Happily he put his money in the machine and whittled the time away. Until he got a game over. A screen came up asking if he would continue, but to do so, he'd have to enter more money. Well…he'd have to get some change from the solid bill he had, but fine.

By his fifth game over, he'd grown bored of Tekken and moved on to something else, a random shooting game with zombies and supposedly scary monsters. Been there, seen it. But still, this was what Matt lived for! Surrounded by his own kind, he felt like he had finally found his home.

He didn't notice when night time had fallen. Nor did he notice when his pockets felt considerably lighter than what they were when he went into the arcade. What he did realize is that he felt no change in his pocket when he reached in there for more money. Now that couldn't be right…he'd just broken the Japanese equivalent of a twenty dollar bill a moment ago…and a moment before that, another one. And…was it about 11 that morning that he'd swapped out a ten? And this was only the money that he could remember. There was no telling how many times he had worn a path between the change machine and various games.

But he was so close to beating this one! If he could just get a bit more change! He looked around and noticed the place seemed fuller than before. It was a Saturday and so the arcade was open late tonight. School kids still in their uniforms crowded around to play or watch others play the various games. Maybe…just maybe…

"Got 50 sen?" Matt randomly asked a girl next to him. She took one look at him and ran off screaming.

_Well, that's not nice! _He thought as he watched her exit the store. Fine, there were plenty of others…and perhaps he shouldn't have asked a kid of only twelve either.

Quickly he made some rounds, not wanting anyone to take over his video game. All the responses were nearly the same: a scream or shriek and the person either running or slinking away from him. He was a cute guy, what the hell was up with this?!

Until he caught a glimpse of himself in the glass of an out-of-order game. His hair was wild. His eyes were sunken and he looked manic. But he was desperate. The video game he was playing was soon to reset for another player and that just couldn't happen.

"Does _anyone _have 50 sen?!!!" He screamed out for the entire place to hear. As though he'd farted, everyone moved completely away from him, leaving him by himself in the center of the room. The store owner came up to him, grabbed him by the scruff of his neck (not without much protesting though) and threw him out on the sidewalk.

"How dare he!" Matt huffed indignantly. But another idea occurred to him. There were more people outside. Perhaps one of these non-gamers would be kind enough to lend him the money.

"Got fifty sen?!" He asked an elderly lady. She only took one glance at him before moving to cross the street in the opposite direction.

"C'mon man, I know you have fifty sen!" Matt encouraged a guy who was walking his dog. He seemingly didn't notice the pooch barking and snarling at him, which is what really drove home to the other man that this was perhaps an unsavory character.

Matt wandered the streets, just needing fifty sen but nobody willing to give it to him. Fifty sen! The equivalent perhaps of fifty cents by U.S. standards. Or maybe it was the way he was approaching them…note to self, you can't shake people when asking them for money.

He passed a coffee shop and noticed a handsome brunette enjoying a cup of tea with…no…that couldn't be L! Immediately he made a bee-line for the entrance.

"Dude, is it really you?!" Matt gushed like some school girl upon arriving at their table. He didn't know what to call L in front of the brunette in case the boy didn't know his real identity.

"Hello Matt," L said politely. Turning to the other boy, he said, "Light, this is a student of mine, Matt. Matt, this is Light."

Matt only saw one thing when he looked at Light's nice clothes and the expensive cup of coffee in his hands. Gold mine.

"Got fifty sen?" He asked.

Light roamed his eyes up his appearance and for the briefest second, he could see just what the boy thought of him. Filth. He reached in his pocket and pulled out the change and handed it to him without touching his palm, then turned away from him in a way that was only barely perceptible as being a dismissal.

Stuck-up bastard.

"Despite his…er, current appearance, Matt is actually one of the top ranking students." L told Light. It did Matt's heart proud to hear him bragging on him like that.

But the meeting was interrupted when the redhead felt a rough hand on his shoulder. Forcefully he was whipped around all to face…Mello.

"Where the hell have you been?! I've been calling your cell phone for the past eight hours!!"

"Oh, um…I was at the arcade," Matt shrugged after he'd gotten some of his composure back.

"Fine, whatever. Look, do you still have the money?"

"Money? What money?"

"The rent money! I gave it to you to hold on to."

"Oh!! That money! Um…I thought that was something else…"

Mello froze. "Matt…did you just spend our rent money…on fucking arcade games?!"

"Well, I wasn't fucking the games but I was kicking ass and taking names. "

"Not the point! We're about to be homeless 'cause of you!!"

Matt shrugged again. "You don't have an actual job, just do what you've been doing to get the money."

Here, Light spluttered in an attempt to hold back a chuckle. Just what was it that this blonde had been doing to earn their rent money? He could only speculate.

"There's no need to argue over the matter," L told them. He reached in his pockets and withdrew several large bills and pointedly handed them to Mello. "There, that should hold you off for awhile. And Mello, please do not spend it all on chocolate."

Oh, he trusted Mello's chocolate addiction over his gaming addiction, Matt thought. Whatever, like he cared.

Mello chewed him out the entire trip home, but he wasn't really listening…he knew he wouldn't be able to go back to that arcade anytime soon and thus could only mourn the loss of making video game history. Oh well, there was always another day. Now, if he could just get his hands on just a little bit of Mello's money…

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Talk about for the love of the game! Matt needs to go through video game detox! ^_^ I believe my next story will be on Near, to finish up the stories for MMN (Mello, Matt, Near)…wow, I even wrote them in that order! I'm only realizing this! Pure coincidence! Okay, reviews are appreciated!


	7. Extortion part I

Someone had given me the idea for this story for Near, but I cannot remember who…or at least I believe someone did anyways. Anywho, forgive the length and forgive if it's not as funny as some of the others. That's no fault of the person that suggested the idea, for it was a great idea…I blame my muse. As always, lol! Well, I hope you do like it, so enjoy!

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**Extortion**

(part I)

The day L had confronted them on the matter of him taking them into his current home and basically adopting them had been an awkward one to say the least. Well, Near was all for it. He was worse with social interactions than L and wouldn't mind not feeling so out of place with the detective there as well. Matt was amiable, and Mello…Mello had been fighting for his independence since he was fifteen, so he wasn't too thrilled about being put under another roof of authority that wasn't his. But, it was better than Wammy's, he conceded, and so he too eventually agreed to the change.

L was often in his room, preferring the closed quarters to help him concentrate better. His only rule was that if they should notice a slightly comical sign reading "On Air" outside his door that they be quiet. It meant that he was speaking to someone over the computer and needed the silence to help keep his all-business aura.

And Near really wanted to stick by that. But Mello's antics today had reached an all-time high and he seriously wanted to just scream out his frustrations. First it was just one finger puppet that had gone missing. Go figure it was the Mello one. Fine, he didn't care too much for it anyways, although the custom made figures had been quite expensive.

Next it was his dart set. His aim wasn't too great, and he also lacked sufficient strength to make the few that did hit the board actually stick, but that wasn't the point. It was _his. _And it was only when the things were missing that he missed them the most.

But the last thing Mello had stolen from him that day was his Optimus Prime Transformer. It was supposed to have been a collectable, but Near couldn't resist opening it this past Christmas when Watari bought it for him (L knew nothing of cartoons, so for the most part, the older man had done most of the shopping). The collector's value might've been ruined but not the sentimental one. It was amongst his favorite of his possessions and the fact that Mello had dared to take it was a sign of just how far this boy was going to annoy him.

Once realizing it was gone, he forced himself not to stomp down the hallway to Mello's room, trying to be quiet as he could hear L speaking in his room. The blonde wasn't there. Next he tried Matt's. Often where one was, the other might be since those two were best of buds. No, Matt's room was absent as well.

Fine, then the living room. He padded quietly down the stairs, but let his aggression show through a bit once he reached the hallway, making sure his steps were heard as he drew closer. He halted at the doorway and examined the scene.

Mello sat in a half slouch, arm thrown over the back of the sofa as he watched something on TV. Some crime show. Every now and then, a loud _snap _would ring throughout the room as he took a bite off his chocolate bar.

Matt was on the other couch, lying on his back as he played a muted PSP. Both were oblivious to Near.

The boy intended on changing that, making a loud derisive noise at their laid-back demeanor.

"Oh, Near. Something you wanted?" Mello asked casually. "I'm guessing you're standing over there because your big head won't let you get through the doorway. Well, we'll be kind and speak to you, turn the TV your way so you can watch too. We are now brothers, right? It's what a real family would do."

"Give it back," Near growled, ignoring his little speech.

"Why Near, as you already know, I've taken several things from you. Which item is it that you're speaking of?"

"The Transformer. Give it back," Near said again, taking a step into the room.

"Ooh, so you're going to rough me up or something?" Mello laughed. "Right, coming from the kid who wouldn't walk until he was five." Mello sat up a little straighter and pinned him down with cobalt blue eyes. "Tell ya what, my fluffy headed friend. You be my slave for the day and you'll see the light of your precious little toy. As an extra bonus, I won't ever steal a thing of yours again. Promise." He took a ferocious bite out of his candy.

Near weighed the proposal. Everything in him said to just forget the toy and get a new one. But then again, the toy was no longer in circulation. It had only been for the week of Christmas, making shoppers all but come to blows over grabbing theirs first. Perhaps someone was already trying to hawk theirs on eBay? But that would mean giving a shipping address, something L would forbid against. No…it seemed the only way to get the toy back was to agree to Mello's deal.

"Alright then, fine. But I have a few terms to make," Near said, almost gracefully descending to the floor. Twirling a strand of hair, he continued. "Nothing that will physically harm me, or harm another person, that one being physically and mentally. And most definitely nothing sexual."

Mello mock-pouted. "You take all the fun out of this."

Near knew he was just trying to rattle him and wasn't about to give him that satisfaction.

"Fine, I suppose I can adhere by those rules," Mello said. He took up his slouch again. "I'll let you know when you have something to do." He took another vicious snap out of the chocolate bar, the sound ringing with finality.

With a slight air of self-satisfaction, Near left the room.

"Dude, you're twisted," Matt said when he was gone.

"Eh, it's fun fucking with that kid," Mello shrugged, going back to his TV show.


	8. Extortion part 2

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* * *

**

**Extortion**

(part II)

It was an hour later when Mello gave Near his first task. "NEAR!!" He shouted throughout the house.

A door nearby him opened, L sticking his head out. "Mello, you are very lucky that the police force I'm speaking with has someone addressing the room at large or else your shouting might've been heard by them. Please be quiet and more careful!" He quickly pulled back into the room, shutting the door.

"Pssht, whatever," Mello muttered. He did respect L, greatly respected him, but he also never liked being chastised. At least Near had to have heard him.

A moment later, the boy appeared, looking very disgruntled. "Alright Mello, what is it you want me to do?" he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"My iPod. Fetch it," Mello told him.

Near opened his mouth to say something but Mello gave him a look that basically read, "Defy me and you'll never see Optimus again." Near sighed and went up to Mello's room to get the device. But the room was chaos! Too many candy wrappers, too much clothes all over the place, and if he saw another naked woman on a magazine, it would be too soon! He finally found what he was looking for under the bed, an ice blue iPod that he'd been given for Christmas.

An idea hit him. Mello loved this iPod like Near loved his toy. The blonde just didn't know how to keep up with his things as well. Oh, two could play this game…

He went back downstairs and sauntered into the room with a pleased look on his face. Still grinning, he leaned against the wall, holding the iPod in his hand and with one earpiece in. The other, he twirled around, seemingly oblivious to all but the music.

"Near…what are you doing?" Mello asked.

"Oh, Mello! Nice selection of music you have here. And this ice blue isn't half bad either." Now he straightened up, becoming serious. "How about I tell _you _what. Give me Optimus and you get your iPod. Even trade. You can keep the darts and the puppet."

Mello narrowed his eyes. "No, I think I like the slave idea better."

"It's not an option anymore. Give the toy here or the iPod is mine."

"Give the iPod here or the toy is destroyed," Mello countered with a sneer.

Near blanched. "You wouldn't!"

"Oh, I would Near. That toy means nothing to me."

"Oh, and me being your servant does?"

"Well, it's certainly more entertaining."

Near growled, then pulled the other earpiece out. Lifting the device up high, he slammed it into the ground. The floor was carpet though, so no damage was done.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Mello shouted. "Alright, that's it! Optimus gets it!" He dashed upstairs for a moment, then came back holding the toy. "Go ahead, break it. Hard to play with a Transformer that won't transform!" He took the toy into the kitchen, where the tiled floor would be much more effective.

Near followed him in and as though in a standoff, they held each other's precious items in their hands, ready to demolish them in a second.

"Wait, hold up! I have to see this!" Matt said and ran to get his video camera. He came into the kitchen, film already rolling. "Alright, go for it!"

"One last time Near. Drop the iPod," Mello said.

Near shrugged. "Alright." He dropped it…on the floor. It bounced once, then hit the ground again, breaking into two halves, mechanical bits littering the floor.

Mello's face twisted up in shock. "You bastard…that had over a thousand songs on it! Do you know how long it'll take me to put all of that back on there?!"

"Don't know, don't care. Go ahead and break my toy so we can be done with this."

With a yell, Mello slammed Optimus on the floor, then proceeded to stomp on it. He continued until all that was left were warped plastic pieces.

Near cocked an eyebrow. "Finished?"

Mello whipped up his eyes at him. "Never!" He pushed past him and ran up the stairs. Matt ran after him with his camera and because he didn't want to be left out, Near followed. They ended up stopping in Near's room.

"That iPod was of greater value than that stupid robot," Mello was saying. "All the money I spent on iTunes for the music…"

"And who's fault is it that you didn't just stick with an mp3 player? Did you really have to have music videos and such on it?"

"Not the point! I had it and that's all that matters. I think I should get to destroy something else of yours."

"Mello, we settled this already. As Alphonse in the beginning of Full Metal Alchemist always says the laws of equivalent exchange say that something of equal value must be given. You destroyed my rare toy; I broke your expensive iPod. Please don't be such a child about this."

"Oh, I'm a child?! _I'm _a child?!" Mello grabbed a stuffed dog that was on a shelf. Giving an evil grin, he ripped the head off.

"You…you monster!" Near screamed. "That was the last thing my parents gave me!" Oh, it was on! He went into Mello's room and ripped a nice wallscroll of Alucard from Hellsing off the wall. Using his teeth, he tore the fabric like a dog, growling like one as he did it.

"Wow, look at him go folks!" Matt commentated. "Have you ever seen a kid so feral? What a beast! Ahh, he seems to be going for the video game console next! And let me tell ya, I'm just happy it's not mine!"

In the other room, you could hear things being smashed as Mello continued on in his own demolition spree. Matt ran back and forth between them, trying to film everything.

After ten minutes, there wasn't much left to be ruined. Each sat on a pile of their handiwork, panting for breath.

A moment later, a room door tore open. L could be heard walking to Near's room first, where Mello was, then came into Mello's room where Near was sitting. He pinched the bridge of his nose in agitation.

"Do either of you know just how embarrassing it is to have such noise in the background while I'm talking? I had to lie and say that I was currently stationed near a warehouse to explain what the hell you three were doing."

"Hey, I was just filming and—" Matt tried.

"I heard you too! Just as loud as them!" L snapped. "If this is how you want it, then I will gladly move out and let you have the house. I will not stand for my reputation to be tarnished by children." L went back into his room, slamming the door behind him.

Near got up and went into his room. Mello was sitting on what used to be his bed. Now it was as low to the floor as a cot. He joined him there, Matt sitting on his other side. All three sighed at the same time. But then Matt gave a chuckle and Mello had to as well. The mood became contagious and suddenly all three fell over in laughter.

They knew that what they had done was silly, and Near was somewhat thinking that perhaps he should've just went along with the slave idea. But then again…he'd be lying if he said that he wouldn't mind doing this again.

Room destroyed and probably not an item left to his name, he still reveled in the twisted fun of it all.

* * *

Well alrightie then. Let me not add on to the length. Please review!


	9. Wrong Home

Many of you reading this have read Laments of a Lawliet, and thus will understand the reason of why the ages of Mello, Matt and Near have been significantly lowered. If you somehow missed out on reading Laments and yet tuned into these 'files' I've been posting, you might wanna go back and read the story, lol! Yeah...25 chapters...*whistles*

To all of you who wanted more from Laments, here you go! I've killed two birds with one stone with this one. This is the last story for my A. D. Williams files and I've given you a more satisfactory ending, I believe. With that said, please enjoy!

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Wrong Home **

Once they had landed, they knew it had been a terrible idea. Rather, Beyond knew it was a horrible plan. A totally new country with three toddlers to look after? Ugh…

And yet, turning back was hardly an option. Wammy's had to have been looking for them by now. They'd overshot their intended target by 3000 miles and was now in the U.S. The heart of the nation at that. Beyond had never really cared too much for history and this city was chock full of it. And who's idea was it to go there, of all places? Oh yeah…his.

Screw it, if he thought about it hard enough, he'd find something to do here. He knew it.

"So, what are we doing first?" Mello asked the teenager, looking around warily. Beyond had chosen quite the location for them. Go figure he'd go for the place that would have the best security and detective forces, as though wanting to test his luck with whatever mischief he came up for them.

"Let's just stroll around and see what we find," Beyond said. He started walking down a random street, and the others fell in line.

"I'm not quite sure why the heck I let any of you talk me into this," Near whispered quietly to the other two children. "L's going to find us…make no mistake about that."

"Near, shut up," Mello told him. "Whether he does or not isn't the issue. It's _when. _We're going to have a blast in D.C. before he does it too!"

Suddenly, Matt cleared his throat. "Uh, say what you will, but even I'm kind of apprehensive about this one. I mean, we just placed our lives in the hands of _Beyond frickin' Birthday! _Do any of you not remember the hell we already went through with him in Japan?"

"Yeah, but that was because he was bored," Mello said. "This place is interesting, so things will be better."

"Okay, whatever," Matt cut in, waving a dismissive hand at Mello's reasoning. "But just what makes this place more interesting than Japan?"

"All the, um…architecture and…stuff…" Mello faltered, trying to come up with reasons.

"Why do I foresee a can of spray paint in the future?" Near mumbled.

They walked until they came across the iconic white structure with sprawling lawns and the black metal gate on the edge of the property. The White House.

"B…?" Mello asked. Beyond was doing his grin again. The one that spelled imminent disaster.

"We'll just take a look," Beyond said, and _hopped the fence! _

"Oh dear gods, he's going to get us all killed!" Matt whimpered. He pulled out his PSP and began walking in the opposite direction, head down and trying to blend in with the surrounding throng of people. "I don't know you guys! I'm just an innocent bystander!"

"Matt, no time for that!" Mello hissed and grabbed his arm. With a bit of effort, he pushed his friend over the rail and hopped up too, reaching back over to pull Near up as well.

"Okay, SWAT, Secret Service, and CIA should be swarming us by now…" Mello commented, looking around.

"Oh look, a school going on a tour," Beyond pointed out. "Maybe they think we're with them. In which…we are." He grinned again and headed for the group of children entering the building. Not wanting to be seen just standing about, they again followed after him. To hide the three toddlers, Beyond pushed them directly into the middle of the group of kids, who were probably middle schoolers. He was the opposite, too tall to fit in. But he'd had years of perfecting a slouch and finally it could be put to practical use. He doubled over far enough to where he blended in perfectly with the crowd.

The first stop the tour group went to was the kitchen. The chefs demonstrated on how to make some sort of fancy salad and everyone 'oohhed' and 'aahhed' like it was the greatest thing on earth. It bored the Wammy's boys to tears. As the gathering left, Beyond hung behind for a moment. The chefs probably thought he was just watching as they actually prepared to make the President's lunch, but that certainly wasn't the case. Before anyone could protest, he quickly ripped open the fridge and checked inside. No jam.

How dare the President not eat jam!!! Or rather, how dare the fridge not have any in case he does want some! "Excuse me," Beyond said, in a hostile voice. The chefs looked up at him and gasped, surprised that he'd made it so far into the room as to touch the appliances without them noticing. "I couldn't help but notice that there's no strawberry jam. In fact, there's not even grape. Can someone explain that to me?"

A guy in a stark white apron came over, waving a knife. "Get out of here kid. Who care's about some jam? The man upstairs never mentioned it so it's not in there. Move along, get back with your group."

Beyond never liked being told what to do. Without answering the man, he opened up the backpack he was carrying and dug out a brand new jar of jam. "I was saving this for later, but it would seem Barack Obama is in dire need of it more than me," he said. He placed the jar into the fridge and with a bright smile, he left out of the kitchen and rejoined the others.

"Where the hell were you?!" Matt whispered once he got back.

"Dropping something off," Beyond said, crouched down nearly to his ear.

Mello, Matt and Near's eyes all popped open as wide as possible. All of them had the same thought: Please don't let him have set any explosives anywhere in there. It wouldn't look good for England on why the boy skipped over his destination to come directly to the White House and do such a thing.

Time dragged on forever and they were shown the Blue room, Green room, and whatever else rooms the White House boated. The official touring ended in the Oval office. It was just as it was shown on TV, not a thing out of place, and probably too impeccable.

They only stayed for a brief moment, but like before, B hung back from the rest.

"Not again," Mello groaned. "He's trying to get himself killed…"

Near went in and picked up a pen off of the desk. "I wonder how much I could fetch with this by selling it online…" he mused.

"Dude, that's an ordinary fountain pen," Matt scoffed.

"No, it's an ordinary fountain pen that the President touched," Near corrected him. "See, throwing in that last part makes all the difference."

"How do you know? Someone could've just set that there," Mello said, also doubting the significance of the object.

"Because, his name is even written on it," Near simply told them and showed them where it was. He was right. In gold lettering was the President's name.

Mello and Matt were going to argue the point further but Beyond interrupted them. "Hey, take a picture of me!" He said, and held out a digital camera. He himself though was sitting behind the desk.

"Near's pen thieving is like shoplifting a cheap pack of gum compared to what the hell you're doing," Mello told him. "Have you lost your mind?!"

B shrugged. "Hey, it's just a picture. I'm not defacing anything. Oh, wait a minute." He reached into a drawer and pulled out a cigar, then held it to his mouth as he plopped his feet up on the desk's surface. "Okay, now take the picture!"

"I want in it!" Matt suddenly said. He hopped up on the top of it as well and did the V for victory.

Mello passed the camera to Near. "You take it. We're probably only going to get an opportunity like this once in a lifetime." He went over to the other side of the desk and hopped up, also doing a V like Matt's.

"Oh, and I'm just supposed to stand here and only capture this monumental occasion?" Near asked, quirking an eyebrow. He set the camera to go off in ten seconds, placed it on a bookshelf at about their height, then ran over and joined in the photo, pulling only one leg up onto the desk.

When the flash went off, they examined what had been taken. Beyond looked…confident, to say the least, about his laid-back pose. Matt was grinning childishly, and though Mello was giving the same hand sign, he was smirking almost deviously. Near simply looked himself, hair-twirling and all.

Since they had overstayed their time in the room, to pass by the hall security, Mello threw a quarter down the hall. Stupidly, the man paused to pick it up and with that, the four of them made a break for it back downstairs.

The school children were still there, exploring the gift shop on the first floor. There was even a computer or two for them to use. In moments, Beyond had the camera hooked up and was uploading the picture online. But just in case L didn't use Google imaging, he sent the photo to him directly via an email. When he tracked where it was sent from, he'd find that it had come from the White House and that indeed, the setting was authentic.

"So, what now?" Matt asked, arms laden with silly souvenirs. There was something about buying White House stuff directly from the White House that made it almost irresistible.

Beyond cast him a grin. "Well, L now knows where we are and it won't be too long before he or someone he knows arrives here. I think it's time for us to hit the road, fellas."

"Back to Wammy's?" Near asked, uploading a picture of the pen he'd taken onto eBay.

"Tch, hell no! How's LA sound?" The teen asked them.

They thought it over and one by one, each one also began to smile. "Doesn't sound like such a bad idea…" Mello said.

The destination was set. They knew they had the brains to get there. L was undoubtedly now hot on their trail but the world's greatest detective hunting down his own pupils just added more of a thrill to the chase.

The game was on.

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In no way was this story meant to make fun of politics or anything like that. Whether you are or are not for Obama, I seriously don't want to hear. I just figured it'd be funny to have the kids take a trip to D.C. My representation of the building was probably poor…I didn't do my homework before writing this chapter, lol! Anywho, I trust this last chapter to have cleared up any questions left over from Laments.

As always, please review!


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